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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Trial and Error

And just like that it all falls down...

When I decided to share my blog with the world, I didn't take into account how it would effect ALL of the people who are close to me, especially my family.  My thoughts about friendship a few months ago proved to test friendships when I let them how I was feeling at that time.  I knew it would effect my relationships with my friends, but I didn't think it would effect the relationships of the people around me with their friends.  Live and learn.  I clearly came across wrong and I am sorry for hurting anyone along the way.  That was never my intention.  This blog was supposed to be a tool for me to figure out where I want to go in life.  Not where The Man is or wants to go and not where anyone else in my life is or wants to go, just me.  I needed to reflect on the situations I was in, to see how they made me feel about my life.  I don't think I'm better than anyone, nor do I think negatively about anyone and where they are in their lives.  I just know that I want to be better than I am now, or where I've been, for my well being and The Baby's well being.  Apparently I'm having a hard time making that clear without people thinking I'm putting them down or judging them.  I'm not judging anyone, just myself.  I want to be a better person.  I think we all grow at different speeds and at different times.  This has been my time for growth.

I've learned some valuable lessons: Sometimes it's not always beneficial to be honest about every little thing.  It should be, but it's not.  And no matter how much love and positive feelings and words you say after the fact, it can not rectify the initial negative words or feelings that were felt.

I feel like The Baby, learning to walk.  I'm trying things different in life and sometimes it works out and sometimes I fall down.  I seem to have fallen down this time.  Yes, I do wear my heart on my sleeve.  Yes, I do say things that come across completely wrong when I have all of the best intentions in the world.  I am not perfect and am still working on myself.  Life is what we make of it.  We're either going to be happy or miserable.  It's all about our perspective and what energy we do and don't allow into our space.  I am responsible for the energy I bring to other's as well as myself.

I think I need to let this venue go for now.  I might be back, we'll see.  For now I think it's best to take a break.

May you be well, maybe you be happy, may you be free from suffering.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Love and Happiness

I love how The Man will randomly call me to see if I'm listening to the same music station he is, to tell me that he really liked the mix they just did.  I love how we both listen to the same iTunes channel at work during the day.  I love that we both have the same passion for music.  I love how music makes us feel when we're having a bad day.  I love that The Baby is starting to have the same reaction to music that we have.  This love of music really makes me happy!

Happy Friday and 3 day weekend!!  Friday's are always awesome because I know that I don't have to wake up the next morning at 5 am (hopefully).  Even better is when it precedes a 3 day weekend. 

I'm going to visit my grandparents tomorrow, then I'll have my massage in the evening.  I'm really looking forward to both!  I can't wait for my grandparents to see that The Baby is walking.  It really is great seeing the happiness on their faces when we get to spend time together.  I'll be going with my dad also, so it will be nice to spend some time with him too.

On Sunday we're going out to dinner with my in-law's to celebrate The Man's 30th birthday.  I'm really looking forward to this too.  The restaurant is in Downtown Sacramento, which I haven't been to in years.  I think it will be fun to walk around and see what The Baby thinks of everything.

Then Monday, we're going to do absolutely nothing.  Well maybe not nothing, but we won't be going anywhere, that's for sure.  We have a day dedicated to relaxing and spending time together as a family.  We don't get to do this very often, so it will be really nice for a change.

All in all I'm very happy today.  I feel good about all of the connections I'm nurturing and feeling comfortable sharing myself with more and more people.  I've sent my blog to a lot of people now.  There are very few people that I haven't invited.  It's nice to feel comfortable enough within myself to not have to hide myself.

I'm all love and happiness today!! :)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

13 Months Old

My orignal title for this post was "Happy Friday and 3 Day Weekend!" and then I remembered that it's Thursday, oops!  hahaha. I got a little ahead of myself.  Wishful thinking I guess.

The Baby is 13 months old today.  August always go by way too fast for me, but this time it by especially fast. 

It's amazing how much can happen in one month!  The Baby is walking, almost running, which she hadn't done yet on her birthday.  She is almost all the way done with drinking a bottle.  She could probably be done, but I'm the one that's having a hard time letting go of our bedtime routine where I hold her in my arms in our chair and rock her while she sucks down her bottle.  I just can't seem to let go of that precious moment yet.  I keep telling myself that I have to for her sake and will, when I'm ready.  My goal is to have her totally off of the bottle by the middle of the month...or maybe the end....I don't know, we'll see.

Arya's cousins have started a new school year, so her schedule with her Papa has changed.  She now spend the morning with him, they go pick up her cousins, go back to their house, then Papa brings her back to our house in the afternoon after my sister-in-law get home from work.  I was a little worried about how all this would work out for my FIL, but now that it's started I think it's actually good for him and The Baby.  He walks her to the school in a stroller to pick up the kids at school and has to actually go inside to get them since they are in Kindergarten.  I love that she gets to get out and about, sees people and kids, and gets the experience of a school environment.  And, I love that he's taking a walk every day for himself.  Even if it's a short walk, it's still better than nothing like he did before.  I also love that The Baby gets to spend some alone time with her Papa and still spend time with her cousins.  So all in all, I'm feeling good about what she's doing during the day while I'm at work.

One other thing that The Baby has figured out how to do is open her toy box all by herself!  She is slowly but surely turning into a little girl and although it makes me sad sometimes, for the most part it makes me really happy and proud!  I adore this little soul more than anything in the world and more than I can ever put into words.  It is such a joy to watch her become herself and grow more and more every day.  Happy 13 months to my baby girl!  I can't wait to see what she learns in the month to come.  :)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Confidence

For this first time ever I'm feeling very confident in myself.  Confident of who I am, where I'm going and the energy I'm putting out into the universe.  I find myself not worrying about what I say and who I say it to and what they think about it, more and more.  I'm making a conscious effort to be kind and honest at the same time.  I feel like I know who I am and I like it.  I'm not worried about other people's issues as much as I once was.  Don't get me wrong, I care and I'm compassionate, but I'm not worried.  Not sure if that makes sense or not.  I find myself not judging as much as I used to and accepting people the way they are.  I'm being more relaxed about life all around.  I still have a lot of growing to do, but it feels like I'm getting closer to where I want to be.

I had a nice lunch date with a girlfriend today and I felt so great afterward.  I told The Man that we talked about where we've been in life, where we are now and where we want to be.....stuff that boys don't like to talk about pretty much.  The best thing about that is that he totally agreed.  It made me realize that my female connections are very important and I do need them.  It's good to talk about things, all things.  Women are good at listening to feelings when men just want to fix everything. 

My heart feels full with hope and warmth.  I like feeling this way.  I need to remember to keep my connections open and make dates with my female friends even if it's just for 1 hour here and there.

Life is good!! :)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Forgiveness

It's been a while since I've been on here. I was out of commission all of last week with a migraine. My first and hopefully last. Talk about a wake up call for me to pay better attention to managing and gaging my stress level. I can not go and do all the time like a lot of people in my life. I try, but eventually my body makes me slow down in one way or another, and it's never for just one day. It feels like I was knocked upside my head by the universe saying, HEY, slow down, take care of yourself. I got the message loud and clear and am now on my way to being better about taking care of me. First things first, a massage on Saturday....yes please! :)

On top of my issues last week, my husband's best friend had a mild stroke on Friday (he's 33) and I found out that my uncle has a really bad cancer, and has less than a year to live. As you already know, my grandfather is dying and has started hospice care. Needless to say, things are getting hard in my life. If there's ever a time to start taking better care of myself, it's now. I have a hard enough time with death, but 2 people going down at the same time is going to be very hard! So, it's time to start taking advantage of the time I do have with the loved ones in my life and making it a point to have no regrets.

I had a visit with my Aunt a couple weekends ago. I think I mentioned something about that happening in my last post. I had only seen my aunt once in the past 6 years and that was at my cousin's wedding earlier this year. The reason I had not seen my aunt is so long, is that when my grandmother died there was a falling out between her and my mom. I in turn had resentment towards her for the way the situation was handled and the fact that I got nothing of my grandmother's after she passed....nothing. I was also a drug addict at that time and did my best not to spend time with any family. I was much more interested in partying and hanging out with my friends. Time passed, wounds healed (on my end) and I got clean. I reconnected with my cousin last year and in turn found out that my aunt had no ill will towards me and wanted to reconnect as well....without my mom. It took me some time to be okay with this. My aunt is not known to be the most loving and kind person around. I was afraid of how I was be treated after everything that happened. Then, I saw my aunt at my cousin's wedding and everything was great! She was nice, happy, nice to The Man (which wasn't always the case) and made me feel very comfortable with her. So, all of that being said, our recent visit was very nice. She brought over some healthy, yummy food and we chit chatted for several hours while The Baby played with her toys.

While talking to my aunt I came to understand why she is the way she is....bitchy and cold. She prides herself on being a bitch, her own words, and talks like it's a badge of honor. She really does have a loving heart deep down. I am usually really good at bringing this quality out of people for some reason. The more we talked, the more I realized that she was holding onto a lot of anger. She's angry about the way my uncle treated my grams (he was a drug addict for at least 25 years, in and out of jail, stealing from my grams, so on and so on). She's angry at my uncle for being a drug addict, even though he's been clean and out of jail for 15 years. She's angry that my mom (the oldest of 4 kids) left home when she was 14 (my aunt, not my mom) which left her the next oldest to take care of her 2 younger siblings (my grams grew up in an orphanage and didn't know how to be a mom, no one is perfect). She's angry that her dad was an alcoholic and the last conversation they had before he died was not a conversation, but a fight with a lot of mean things being said. She's angry at my mom for not being available when their grandmother died (it was a REALLY bad time in my mom's life, like REALLY bad). She's angry that my mom couldn't help with my grams when she was dying, in the way that she wanted her to help. And when when my grams died she realized that she had never really grieved all of the deaths prior to hers. It all hit her all at once and broke her. It broke her so bad, she decided to go a grief counselor. She saw the counselor twice and decided she learned all that she needed to know on how to deal with the situation and never went back.

My aunt is 56 years old and has never forgiven anyone in her life for their mistakes or wrong doings. I think that forgiveness is a huge part in someones life. If you can forgive others and especially yourself, for wrong doings, it only helps you in the long run. I see that holding onto all of that anger and resentment for so many years has made her a hard, cold, lonely person. I never, ever want to feel the way the energy that radiates off of her feels.

When I was thinking about typing this post I decided to look at myself and reflect on things that have happened in my life and whether or not I have forgiven people for their trespasses. Yes, I have forgiven my mom for not being a perfect mom all the time. I have forgiven my step dad for the times he was not perfect and for the way he treated others around him at times. I have forgiven my dad for moving across the country when I was 15, not coming to visit me as often as promised and not moving back home until I was 26. I have forgiven my dad for being an alcoholic and not being a perfect parent all the time. I have forgiven my husband for our hard times. And most importantly I have forgiven myself for not being the perfect kid and partner. There are still a couple of things that I have not forgiven myself for, which I want to work on. I haven't forgiven myself for the type of pet owner I was during my partying days. My dog at the time suffered because of my behavior and I still can't forgive myself when I think back to the conditions he lived in at times. I hope to forgive myself for this eventually. I also have not forgive the 2 men who raped me when I was 17. Just can't do it. One ended up in a bad motorcycle accident, which left him mentally disabled and the other became a crack addict. Even though they have both suffered in their lives since they made me suffer in mine, I have not been able to forgive them yet. I want to be able to one day, but just can't do it yet. Hence, I'm not perfect either.

I do however want to make it a priority to forgive people for their imperfections going forward. No one is perfect, we are all just human and doing the best we can with the tools we have.

I don't want to end up a bitter old lady, alone and mad at the world. This I know for a fact!

I want to teach my daughter that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. It's how we deal with those mistakes and learn from them that makes us who we are. I want to teach her to forgive people that hurt her feelings. Most of the time it hurts them to know they've hurt someone else. And most people won't admit to that. I want to teach her to be kind regardless of someone else's position or disposition in life. Inside we are all the same. We all just want to be loved and treated with kindness and respect. The hard part is learning how to deal with those around us who don't have the skills to always behave that way.

So that's it. My deep thoughtful post for this week. I'm hoping to bring some fun joyful stuff to the table next time. :)

Friday, August 19, 2011

Unforgettable Life Events

I'm having a rough day, feeling a little sensitive and decided that I needed to reflect on the week's events to cheer me up. So, here it goes!



The Man turned 30 this week! I found a perfect card for him and wrote him a very special note. Unfortunately he had school, so we didn't get to spend much time together. We did decide to drive in and I left work a little early to ride home with him. It was nice to spend a little time together more than usual on a school day/night.



That night, The Baby started to walk. First she took 3 steps, then 6, then 10 and finally 16. I was overjoyed to say the least! I even got the 3, 6 and 10 steps on video. Thank god I constantly have my camera attached to me when we're playing together, otherwise I would not have been able to share the moment with The Man. As soon The Baby went to bed, I unloaded the camera and left him a note saying he needed to watch the video I left open on the computer. Talk about a fantastic birthday present. The card I picked out for The Baby was good, but I'm pretty sure the walking trumped it. She still prefers to crawl over walking, but she is taking a lot more steps than she ever has and more often. I'm pretty sure by the end of next week she'll be running.



On top of the walking, The Baby finished up the last of my breast milk and switched over to just cow's milk. I've also started supplementing 2 of her bottles with sippy cups. She's still not a big fan of the sippy cup and mostly just chews on it, but I'm hoping when she sees there isn't another option she'll get the hang of it. Luckily she doesn't "have" to have as much milk as she used to, so I'm not to worried about it. Pretty soon I'll take her down to 1 bottle a day and then hopefully by the end of next month (fingers crossed), she'll completely off of the bottle. We'll see how that goes.



Last night I pulled a toy from the bottom of the toy box that The Baby had yet to play with. I thought it was still a little advanced for her, but I figured why not, let's give it a try. It was a remote controlled puppy. You push on the buttons and the puppy walks, barks or wags it's tail. I showed The Baby how it worked once. She had it from there on out. She picks up on things so well, I'm always amazed.



Lots of big things this week! It's amazing how fast kids grow and how fast they pick up on things. The Baby is starting to talk while reading her books. I think that mean she's trying to read them out loud. It's pretty darn cute. I love her language, it's just adorable! I'm trying to get it all recorded, because I'm sure soon enough she will be a really big girl and these little big girl moments will be a thing of the past.



It should be an interesting weekend. My aunt whom I've seen once in the past 6 years is coming over to meet The Baby for the first time and my Godson's birthday party is on Sunday. I'm sure you'll hear all about it on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!! :)






Monday, August 15, 2011

Road Trip

This weekend proved to be as eventful as I knew it would be.

We celebrated the most wonderful grandma in world's 85 years on this earth. She really is one of the most wonderful women I have met in my life time. My grandmother-in-law turned 85, but you would never know it. She is the most active energetic person I know. She still mows her own lawn gardens, bowls several times a week and drives all over the state and country. This woman is a huge inspiration to me and I can only hope to be as healthy as she is at her age. She is amazing!! Not to mention that she helps out everyone she can in so many ways and does it with such grace. I can not say enough good things about this woman. I love her so much and look forward to spending many more birthdays with her.

My MIL asked me to make cioppino for the birthday celebration, which of course I did. It turned out amazing! It's funny how no two batches are ever the same. Everyone always says it's good no matter which batch it is, but I'm my worst critic. Last time I made it, it was okay. This time, just amazing! I don't know what I did different, but I'll have to make sure I do the same thing again next time. For those of you who don't know what cioppino is, it's like a seafood stew. You saute garlic and onions, then thrown in fish, crab, clams, mussels, shrimp and whatever else you like. Then once the everything is cooked, you douse it in marinara sauce and white wine. Then let it simmer for a while and wha la, deliciousness! To top it off I was happy to have the oportunity to help my MIL with food for the party since she always helps me out.

So, that was Saturday.....awesome, fun, fabulous day!

If you remember my post from Friday, you might recall at the very end I mentioned something about having to maybe repo a car over the weekend.

Around Christmas time, we sold a car to some family members. We sold them the car, with some money up front and the promise to pay the rest over the next few months. I'm sure you see where this is going. We were getting money here and there and it was down to just a few hundred left. One of the family members has a history of drug use and being locked up, but had been doing really well for a long and proving to be a solid member of society. Then, things got bad. We stopped getting money and we would hear reports of domestic violence. We were told the car would be dropped off at another family member's house so we could pick it up until it was paid for. That never happened. The couple broke up and one person took the car from the other. We were told conflicting stories as to who was the one that actually paid us the money thus far. We decided that we would get the car and hold it until one or the other paid us the amount owed. We got a phone call Saturday night that the car was in the Sacramento area and ready for us to pick up. In the meantime, the other party said they had the money, so we arranged to meet them half way between Redding and our house.

The Man was tired after our long day on Saturday and said we would just come first thing in the morning on Sunday. We woke up, made a call....no answer. Decided, let's just start on our way so that by the time they call back we'll already be on the road. We called again when we were on the road....no answer. Again when we were almost there....no answer. There were people home at the apartment we were meeting at, so we went in there for a little while to see if they could give us any information and to see if we would get a call back. We were told that they had been there the night before, but left to go meet a friend and never returned. Everyone at the apartment knew we were coming in the morning, so that wasn't a surprise to them. We waited and waited. We then had to tell the other party to turn around because we weren't able to get the vehicle. So there we were, all the way out in Sacramento without the promised car and without the promised money. We called one more time.....no answer. Needless to say, The Man was NOT happy by this point and made that clear in the final message he left. We drove around, got some food, fed the baby and decided to make our way home.

We learned another lesson the hard way. Don't make business deals with addicts regardless of whether or not they are family members. It turns out that the person we were supposed to meet, had decided to party all night instead of meet up with us. The other person is going to in turn call the police and report the vehicle as stolen. This will be the 3rd strike and they will now go back to prison for the last time. Once you get 3 strikes in California, you get 25 years to life. When you're 50 years old, 25 years is most likely life.

Addiction is a powerful thing. It will make people do things that they know are wrong regardless of their situation. It would've been so easy to do the right thing, but that craving for those little white crystals was just too much to overcome. I am so, so, so grateful that I got clean when I did! That white stuff is no joke!

The positive spin on our adventure......we got to spend some quality family time together, which is rare these days. It was nice to be stuck in a car with The Man for 4 hours. We talked about all kinds of things, one of which was our own sobriety. Thank God, we cleaned up our act!! We can't imagine being like these people and subjecting our child to this type of behavior. The daughter of one of the parties is pregnant and about to pop at any minute. Meantime this is how one of her parents is behaving. So sad!

It really was a beautiful day though and it was a nice drive. We saw so awesome clouds too! It looked like God was taking a deep breath. :)





When we got home, The Man took a nap and I did what laundry I could while playing with The Baby. Then, my MIL came over to hang out with The Baby so The Man and I could go out to celebrate his birthday. He will be 30 on Wednesday and since he has class that night, I wanted to do something special with him. I took him out to a nice restaurant for an early dinner and then we went to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was awesome!! He thanked me for making him go out, he said he had a great time. We both agreed that we need to make an effort to have a date night every couple of months. We forgot how nice it was to do things like that.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Although it was a little rocky at times, it was still good. I felt very connected to The Man and The Baby. Life is good! It would be so incredibly boring if we didn't have the ups and downs. I'm trying my best to find the positives in the negatives. Here's to a new week and another year for The Man. These will be the last days of his 20's. Like I told him this morning, he will soon, officially, be a grown up!

Positive thoughts to everyone!! Have a wonderful day! :) xoxoxo





Friday, August 12, 2011

Perspective

Yesterday was another rough day. It started out with The Man getting upset about someone else's driving on the way to work and me yelling at him for it. I got the silent treatment from him for the rest of the day. It may not sound so bad, but we usually talk at least 3 times a day if not more and it really sucked not being able to talk to him all day. Lesson learned. Let him do what he wants in the car (when The Baby is not in it). If something bad happens, then he will have a lesson learned. Until then, it's not my place to tell him what to do.

We have had car trouble with our vehicles lately, except the van. So, right now, the cars are parked and the van is our main source of transportation. Since The Man has school Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights, I decided I would ask my dad for a ride home after work. My dad picked me up a little late yesterday, we sat in traffic for approximately 45 minutes and then the car broke down. We were literally six blocks from my office. He called a tow truck and I called my sister-in-law to see if she could give me a ride home from BART once I got there. My father-in-law was still at my house with The Baby and I needed to get home to relieve him. I knew I couldn't call him for a ride because he usually drinks in the afternoon when he gets to my house and I didn't want him drinking and driving with The Baby in the car. My dad got a tow truck squared away and I confirmed a ride, so off I went. I had to leave my dad broke down in the middle of the road and hoof it back to my office (I really had to use the bathroom by then of course), then over to BART. I finally got home at 7:40 pm just in time to feed The Baby, give her a bath and put her to bed. I was feeling really horrible about only having less than an hour with her for the evening. I thought about keeping her up, but she was just so tired, I had to put her to bed.

So there I was mulling about my day, feeling frustrated and upset when I got a text message from my friend. Her sister had gotten into a fight with her mom and mom's boyfriend, which went on all night and into the next morning. Her uncle then went to the apartment to confront the boyfriend. Police were called and when they arrived her mom was unconscious and wouldn't wake up. She had overdosed on alcohol and pills and needed to be rushed to the emergency room. My poor friend told me that she thought it was her fault because she had sent her mom some nasty text messages about her taking the boyfriend's side over her sister. I had to explain to her that it wasn't her fault and that her mom has a problem, she is an addict. I hope that this is her wake up call and her rock bottom. I can't imagine what it would be like to see my mother in that state!

So, yes, needless to say, hearing from my friend really put things in perspective for me. The problems that I had throughout the day were nothing compared to what she is going through with her family and has gone through over the past few years. Her dad died the day after The Baby was born last year and had battled cancer from the result of alcoholism for several years prior.

After all that, The Man came home from school, I told him about my day and we discussed the morning's events that lead to the silent treatment and decided it was done and over and we would move on. The morning seemed so foolish to us by that point in the day.

I really need to learn how to go with the flow more often and not let the petty hiccups get me frustrated or down. Life is not smooth sailing and won't ever be. There will always be obstacles and road blocks of one kind or another. Just as long as they are not detrimental to our being, I need to learn that they are okay. Life would be so boring if everything was perfect all the time. The every day issues that arise are what make life interesting, and it's how we deal with them when they come along that makes us who we are.

I am trying my best as always. Some days are better than others. Today is going to be a good day. High class problems are a good thing. I could be living in a third world country wondering where and when I'm going to get my next meal and drink of water. When things get bad, or at least what I seem to think bad is, I need to look at the big picture. Life is what you make of it!

Happy Friday! It will be an exciting weekend filled with a family gathering and what sounds like a trip to Redding to repo our car. More about that on Monday! :)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Today is a New Day!

After a crappy day yesterday, the evening turned out great! The van will be fixed for free and The Man took the night off from homework to hang out with The Baby and I. It sounded like she hit him a couple of times, but stopped when he told her to. We'll see how she does with me tonight. We all enjoyed each other's company last night. It was just what we all needed!

Today I emptied out my camera and put all of the pictures and video's on Photobucket and YouTube. If you haven't already checked them out, you should. They are both linked her on the side bar.

I really love looking at pictures and watching video's of The Baby. She is just so cute and I don't always notice all of the little details when I'm in the moment. It really makes me happy and puts a huge smile on my face on days like this.

We visited my grandparents on Saturday (Arya's Great Grandparents). It was really good to see them and I was able to talk to my Grandfather and tell him how much I love him and what my aspirations are now. If he dies tomorrow, I will have no regrets! Not that I want him to die, but now that I've seen him it won't be as bad. Looking back at the pictures I took of the day, I noticed that he looks much better than I thought he would. He doesn't look like he's dying and I don't think he looks 86 either. It's great to see the smile that The Baby brings to his face.



Our other adventure on Saturday was to Hap Magee Ranch Park in Alamo/Danville with our friends from our Muir Mommies Group. I joined this group when Arya was about 6 or 7 weeks old. The majority of us keep in contact and try to meet up every few months. I missed the last couple get togethers, so hadn't seen everyone since Christmas. It's amazing how different all the babies are now. Luckily everyone shared pictures from the events I missed, so I did kinda see them since then.

Arya had a blast!! She did throw a fit when I wouldn't let her take another baby's sippy cup, but that's what she does. The other mommies thought it was funny to see her throw a fit. I guess theirs don't all do that yet. She was fine a couple minutes later when she found something new to play with, but let me tell you, she was going after everyone else's sippy cups all day. And of course, she wanted nothing to do with her own. She cracks me up! At one point, she crawled away and sat at the edge of the lawn, playing by herself....perfectly content. After all of the babies shared their snacks and toys, we decided to take them over to the water. That's where all the fun and cuteness got out of control! Nothing is cuter than a bunch of 1 year olds playing in water half naked. Some of the babies hated the water, while some of them weren't sure what to think. As for Arya, well, she LOVED it! She was the only baby that would sit by the "sprinklers" (I can't think of a better word for them at the moment) and was totally happy playing without me in sight. One of the other babies was running all around through all of the water, another was crying and hated the water and the others were clinging to their mommies. It was pretty comical! Then, we tried to take a group pictures of all the babies together.....hahaha, yeah right!!! The one that we were able to get, had one kid crying running away. Talk about priceless memories!

I sure am looking forward to spending more time with the mommies and watching our kids grow up together. I'm SO glad I decided to joining the group! Little did I know, but it was the beginning of me branching out and meeting new, different, people with the same interests as me....our babies. :)

Just in case you didn't get enough visuals from my description of the day, here are some pictures to help you out! Enjoy!

Wandering away from the group...



The Sippy Cup Thief


Sharing Snacks and Playing


Water Fun!!







Mommies and Babies


Babies...lol























Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Rough Couple of Days

First of all, I'm having problems with The Baby hitting and scratching me. She doesn't do it to The Man or anyone who watches her, just me. I've tried saying no sternly with the mean mommy face, then showing her how to be gentle while telling her gentle. And I've tried to turn my back on her or walk away for about 30 seconds. With both things she stops for 2 seconds, then goes back to hitting and scratching me in the face. Last night I got very overwhelmed with her and had to ask The Man to take a break from his homework so I could take a break from The Baby. I felt bad that I let her actions, which she has no idea what she's doing, get to me. It hurts though, physically hurts, when she does this. My eye still hurts today from a gouging last night. This behavior has been going on for almost 2 weeks now. I'm going to try and ignore the behavior and just get up and stop playing with her when it happens next time. Hopefully if I do that enough, she will learn that her actions will get no reaction from me. It sucks to have to do that since we don't get much time together, but I need to stop this ASAP. So that's the first thing that's been a little hard for me these past few days.

The other thing is my health. I saw my doctor yesterday for a follow up appointment from my colonoscopy. She informed me that the polyp that was removed was a really bad one. It was not cancer yet, but it's the type that develops into cancer. Because of that, I am at a high risk for Colon Cancer. What she said didn't really sink in until after The Baby went to bed for the night. HIGH RISK for COLON CANCER.....at 31. It still brings me to tears to think about this. I know I don't have cancer, but to be so young and be so at risk is scary. I asked her what would have caused this to happen. She said having a lot of friction is the main thing that causes polyps. Meaning, hard stool. When I was in my partying days, I did a lot of drugs, drank a lot of alcohol and didn't drink a lot of water. When I told her that, she that was probably what caused my polyp to form. So yeah, I pretty much did this to myself.....good job Renee. Talk about residual effects. I'm so glad I no longer have any part of my old lifestyle!!

SO, I asked what I could do to prevent it. She said there hasn't been a lot of answers found, but there are a few things that can definitely help. Eating a lot of fiber, drinking a lot of water and being cautious about the amount of meat I eat (for some people meat makes them constipated and that's what I need to avoid). Needless to say, this morning when I packed my food for the day I made sure to have a lot of fiber packed choices on hand.

Then, this morning was utter chaos for me. The Man woke up late, so I had to do my regular daily routine, plus his. We were trying to leave early because we needed to drop the van off for service. We left a little later than we wanted to, but it was still looking okay. As soon as I left my street, the low tire pressure light came on in the van. I had to call The Man (who was in the other car behind me) and find out if I should get air or have the dealership take care of it. He then informed me that he forgot his tie at home and needed to go back (he had an interview today and absolutely needed it). I said okay, you go back for your tie and I'll meet you at the gas station after I drop off the baby. I get to the gas station and he's no where in site. He usually handles putting air in the tires and all other car things. Luckily, I know how to do these things if I have to. I proceed to take care of inflating all of the tires myself and when I'm done, he's still not there. I get in the car, missed call. I call him back, where are you, he says where are you?! I said at the gas station. He said well I've been at this other gas station waiting for you the whole time. Great! I call him back to find out if I should wait for him or what and he's pulling in behind me. Sweet, now we can be on our way. Nope, go to leave the gas station and a fuelling truck had just pulled in and blocked the exit. I try to go around another way and a truck is pulling in and I can't get by. I have to back up and park to let the other truck through and then can get on my way. At this point, I've hit my limit. I had to sit in that parking space and just scream at the top of my lungs. I haven't done that in god knows how long. Once the way was clear I was able to get the hell out of there and on route to the dealership....FINALLY! We dropped of the van after waiting for the 4 people in front of us and made it to the bart station in time to get to work 30 minutes late. I think my husband saw my little melt down at the gas station because he seemed to be trying to cheer me up the rest of the morning. Needless to say it was a little intense and I was really looking forward to coming in to work where I knew I had nothing to work on and could just zone out on the Internet all morning. Now I'm just waiting for the dealership to call me back and to tell me if our van problem is covered under warranty or if we need to pay $100 to get it fixed. I'm sure it's not covered and we'll need to pay the money because that's just how life is going for us these days. Oh well, it is what it is. Just as long as it gets taken care of.

Between The Baby, my health and feeling like I'm doing everything by myself these days, I'm having a rough time doing it all with a smile. I know this too shall pass and they are high class problems, but like I say, some days are better than others. I researched some techniques online to use with the baby and talked to a co-worker who has a daughter who is strong headed like mine. Hopefully when I go home tonight I can start with a fresh slate and get my mental state in a better place. Also, it sounds like The Man might not have much homework to do tonight, so hopefully he can help out too.

Rough days can only lead to better days!

Oh, and I did get a surprise visit from The Man today after his interview! That was awesome. We got a little bit of face time and a mid day kiss. I guess that means my day is already getting better. :)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Regret

A friend of mine on Facebook tagged a video of what would have been my senior year with my name. I watched the entire 17 minutes and felt an overwhelming sense of regret by the end. I was not a well behaved teenager. I know most aren't, but I was worse than most although not as bad as some. I thought I was too cool for school. Boy was I wrong!! I went to that high school for my freshman year, then got kicked out and sent to another high school. I lasted there through the middle of my junior year and then left for home schooling. I never finished my senior year. Instead, I took the GED the month I was supposed to graduate. I missed out on so many high school experiences. I never went to a prom, never did any of the senior activities and never walked to get a diploma. At that time I didn't think it was anything, but now I regret it so much. I wish I had been smart enough to realize that those things would have been fun and I would have enjoyed myself. Instead, I was drinking, smoking and hanging out with a bad crowd. Granted, I would not have met The Man if I did not go the route I did, so I am grateful for that. I just wish I had been able to experience the other things too.

I sure hope I get to see my daughter enjoy all that high school has to offer. From what I understand, it's unforgettable.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

1 Year Old

It's hard to believe that The Baby is 1 year old. On one hand it feels like it's been a lifetime and on the other hand it feels like it's been no time at all. It is truly amazing to see how much can happen in 1 year with a little one and myself. To think that on this day last year, I was in the hospital recovering from major abdominal surgery and getting to know the little being that was inside of my body just a little more than 24 hours earlier. Truly amazing!! So here we are, she's 1 year old. Almost walking, talking up a storm (in her own little language), eating adult food (in little pieces) and doing more and more each day. The joy that her precious little face gives me is indescribable. The excitement she has when I peek in her room in the morning and she jumps up when she sees me. It really is the best feeling ever to have such an amazing little soul be so completely in love with you. The smile that comes over her face is the sweetest smile ever. She is such a happy person. It feels like a great accomplishment to have so many people comment on her disposition. I feel like she is the way she is because of what she's learned from The Man and I. To know that we are good parents is a wonderful feeling. Don't get me wrong, some days are really hard, but seeing her sweet little smile usually makes it all better. When she doesn't have the sweet smile is when it's really hard, but luckily those days don't happen very often. It's a great feeling to be so tired, have a bad day and then come home to The Baby. She's always so excited to see me and crawls right over to me, almost like she can't get to me fast enough, so that I can pick her up and give her hugs and kisses. In that instant all of the tiredness and bad vibes completely melt away and are replaced with pure joy and happiness.



Then there's me. I almost feel like I was reborn the day she was born. My whole life changed in that very instant and I became the person that I am now. I feel like an adult for the first time in my life. The responsibility that comes along with being a parent is so much more than I ever realized. Well, maybe I realized it, but didn't understand until it finally happened. I am very glad that I waited as long as I did, so that I could be a responsible, adult parent for The Baby. There is not a single ounce of my being that craves for my life to be the way it was before The Baby. I never thought I had it in me to do all of the things I have done and do that come along with being a parent. I never realized how much work it would be just to keep bottles and pumping accessories clean on a regular basis. That alone was way more work than I had every done on a regular basis. Then having to feed myself, The Man, The Baby and The Dog on top of it, it was just so overwhelming in the beginning. I had no idea how I was going to be able to work a full-time job and commute 2.5 hours a day on top of doing everything else. Here I am though, doing it and making it work. Don't get me wrong, by the end of the week I'm exhausted, but it's just what I have to do. It's become part of the routine. It's funny how once you make things part of a routine, they don't seem to be as bad. I've had a few friends tell me that I'm a super mom. It feels weird to hear that I don't really know how to take it in. I just feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do for my family. Now that I look back on the last year and thing about all that I did, it does seem like a lot. The Baby wouldn't latch for breastfeeding, so I decided to pump all of her milk because I was determined not to pay for formula. On top of that, I really didn't want to pay for baby food, so I decided I was going to just make all of her food. In my mind it didn't seem like that much, but looking back on it, it was a lot of work. Turns out my frugalness (I'm sure that's not a word, but I don't care) was also really good for The Baby. Once I started doing it all, it felt good to know that I was doing what was best for The Baby. I feel very accomplished. I haven't been able to say that a lot in my 31 years. It is a really good feeling!! Because of the pumping, I had to not drink much, not go back to smoking pot and watch my what I ate (for the most part). Doing all of those things for almost a year really made a big impact on my physical and mental health. My head has cleared and I've come to know myself and see what my potential in life is. Because of that I've figured out what I want to do and how I want to do it. I know that actually doing it will be another big hurdle, but I'll get there. First I want to be a mommy, the best mommy I can be. Once I get that down, then it will be time to do what is good for my soul, and my child(ren) can watch and be a part of that, and hopefully learn from it. I feel like a new person, in a good way. I am also much more educated about what I put in my body. I know a lot more about nutrition and am doing my best (one day at a time) to eat and drink healthy.



Friday nights used to be my favorite time of the week. I could party hard, stay up late and sleep in the next day. NOW, Saturday's are my favorite day. I can sleep until The Baby wakes up, spend some time alone with her and get to the grocery store before it gets crowded for the weekend. I used to look forward to 3 day weekends so that I could get more partying done on the weekends. Now I look forward to them so that I get some time in to get more things done around the house and spend extra time with The Baby. I used to go out with The Man to bars or with girlfriends to go dancing. Now, when I'm invited out for an adult even without The Baby I find myself not wanting to go. I would rather be at home in my PJ's reading Good Night Moon and rocking The Baby to sleep. Once The Baby is asleep, I look forward to crawling in bed and watching some TV, then getting to sleep as early as possible. I don't know, maybe because I did the partying for so long, it just doesn't sound fun anymore. That or the way I would feel the next day is something I never want to feel again, or maybe the combination of both. Either way, I love my life now and you couldn't pay my any amount of money to go back to the way it was. I think that's why I have a hard time connecting with some of the people that I shared so many of those experiences with. They are still going strong at the same behavior and I'm done. I want to try new and different things and go at a slower pace. I want to take my time and enjoy the day instead of sleeping it away. I want to see the look on The Baby's face when we go somewhere new or she has a new experience. And I don't want to feel any more exhausted then I already do when I wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings.



If there was one thing I could change it would be my work situation. I would love to be able to work part time. At first I was thinking I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I think I need the adult stimulation still. Or even better, I would like to not have to work at all and go to school. That would be awesome! I could meet new people that are interested in the same things I'm interested in and still have more time with The Baby. Maybe when The Man graduates and finds a new position, I'll be able to change directions. Until then, I'm grateful for my job and enjoy the people I work with. It's the best job I've ever had and the money is great. Money is not everything, but it definitely helps!!



We'll see what the next year has in store for our little family. All I know is that as long as The Man, The Baby and The Dog are in it, it will be wonderful!



Happy 1st birthday to my angel face! Don't grow up too fast little one!













Thursday, July 28, 2011

So Many Mixed Emotions...

Disclaimer - This post has some sad stuff in it.

The Baby's 1st birthday party is right around the corner. I was really stressed about it earlier in the week, but now I'm going with it will be fine and if everything doesn't get done it's not the end of the world. I still have numerous thoughts floating through my head all day though. Going over what I still need to get and what needs to be done. I wish I had an off switch sometimes.


On another note, my grandfather is very ill. He has had congestive heart failure for almost 2 years now and it seems that he's feeling like he's at the end of it. He's in a lot of pain and has a hard time leaving his bed. Because of his poor health he will not be able to make it to The Baby's party. I've decided to go visit him on her actual birthday, so that he can spend some quality time with her and I can spend some quality time with him. I've been very close to my grandfather my whole life and love him so much. It's really hard to think that he's not going to be in my life (physically) much longer. I want to tell him that I don't want him to suffer. I want to tell him that it's okay if he needs to let go to end his suffering. Part of me worries that this will come across as me wanting him to die, which is not what I want for me, it's more what I want for him. If this is the only way for him to not suffer anymore, then so be it. It is extremely hard for me to think about this, let alone saying the words out loud. I'm working it through in my head and trusting that my heart will lead me to saying the right words when the time comes. I don't do so well when it comes to death. It is one of the hardest of life's events for me to witness and go through. I know it's part of the circle of life, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things for me. It's hard to watch someone die. I've gone through it with 2 of The Man's grandparents and one of my own. It never gets easier for me. I guess it's all part of the healing process and going through the steps of grief. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. And, the anticipation of it happening is almost just as hard for me.

I really just wish I had an off switch these days. To stop worrying about what might be or what could be and just roll with life as it happens. Easier said then done......

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Freedom

I just realized today how great it feels to have my body back. Not necessarily my shape and size that I want to be, but that it's all mine again. I stopped pumping for The Baby 4 weeks ago. I didn't realize how much of my body was being used for her. It's like we were still sharing even though she was no longer inside of me. I was careful about what I ate and drank and made sure not to loose more than 2 pounds a week for fear of contaminating her milk with toxins. Since I stopped pumping, I've started to eat less, walk more, take the stairs and do ab and weight work outs. I didn't realize until today that the thing that was holding me back was pumping. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that I did it and will do it again for my next child, but it definitely restricts me from doing whatever I want when I want. I would have to set time aside to actually pump and throughout the day my breasts would get full and uncomfortable, which made me not want to do physical activity at all (other than walking). As I'm typing this I realize that it hasn't just been the pumping that's taken away from my freedom, but also the whole part of being pregnant before that. So, technically I haven't had my body to myself for 21 months. That's a long time!! No wonder it feels so good now!

I am really feeling good these days. Taking care of myself and getting my health on track is making me feel great. Now I just I have to be patient and let the weight loss happen naturally.

Freedom really does feel nice!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Baby is Turning Into a Big Girl


I'm getting better with the fact that The Baby is growing and turning into a big girl. Some days are still harder than others, but today is a good day. She has gone to bed without her binky for 4 out of the last 5 nights, so she's officially done with her baby binky. It was so much easier than I thought it would be for her. I did give it to her one night, but she had a really rough day with barely any sleep and I just couldn't handle the crying anymore. I felt so bad for her that I needed to give her whatever would help her. That was Sunday night. Since then, it's been smooth sailing with her going to sleep without it. She is also transitioning to big girl milk (cow's milk) as of yesterday. She seems to be doing great with this also. She's been sucking down her bottles better than before. Granted, I started by mixing breast milk and big girl milk together, but I think she'll be just fine with it. I'll gradually started to make the mix with less and less breast milk until my freezer is empty. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks, she'll be drinking strictly big girl milk.



On top of those exciting big girl moments, The Baby is standing unassisted more and more and I've been able to get her to take a step or two without holding onto anything. When she realizes she's not holding on, she quickly reaches out for something or falls to her but to crawl. I think these things are way more exciting to me than her. When I tell her good job or good girl, she looks at me like what's the big deal mom.


The Baby is also trying to say more and more words. We get the occasional thank you (used at the right time), dada, momma, Roscoe (pronounced Ra Ro or Raco), hi, and yeah. She also does a lot of babbling, but some words are getting clearer and being used in the right context. She can also wave now. She even paired a wave with a hi the other day. The Man was the one that got to witness that first, so that's pretty awesome for him. He doesn't get many firsts since he's so busy with everything he's doing.



So yeah, The Baby is slowly but surely turning into a big girl and will be there before I know it I'm sure. I'm continuing to play with her as much as possible, take lots of pictures and videos and savor every baby moment that comes along. I'm getting better with the fact that she won't be a baby for much longer. Sometimes it still makes me tear up, but for the most part it makes me smile. To see this amazing little person turn into who she is and watch her learn what the world around her is all about is a precious gift that I am so blessed to have. She is my little angel face and I adore her!





Monday, July 18, 2011

Determination

I am so determined to be healthy and loose all of my extra weight! Last week I decided that it was time to do something different. Doing what I've been doing has gotten me this far, but I seemed to have stalled and I'm not happy with where I'm at, so I need to keep going. I decided to add in some weights and abs routines. I'll do 15 minutes of weights 3 times a week and 8 minutes of abs 3 times a week. I have also decided to count calories again. I'm not sure if I'll stick to this part or not. Last time I went on the counting calorie track and I became majorly obsessed about food. Maybe I'll just get an idea of the calorie content for what I already eat and go from there. I don't know, we'll see, but for now I'm keeping an open mind and a positive attitude about it all.

I've been feeling pretty good for the most part lately. A lot of my clothes are too big now, but my old clothes are still too small. It's that in between phase, which is harder some days than others. THEN, it happened.....someone posted a picture of me on Facebook from the party I went to yesterday. Not good. I told The Man, I swear that's not what I see when I look in the mirror and that's definitely not how I feel. SO, it's time to kick it into high gear and make my body match me. I don't want to be skinny, or a certain weight (well yes, I guess I do want to be a certain weight), I just want to feel comfortable and look at a picture of myself and see myself.

The important part is that I'm NOT going to beat myself up about it. I'm going to keep my nose to the grind and do what I need to do. I'm going to set reasonable goals that I can follow and keep to a schedule to make it easier on myself. Maybe once I start to see some progress I can re-evaluate what I need to do, but for now I'm hoping these small changes will make a big difference. I'm tired of being obese. I'll even settle for overweight. I just want to feel comfortable in myself and be able to wear what's in my closet (minus the prego/nursing clothes).

I am determined to do what I need to do for me and set a good example for my daughter at the same time. :)

Friday, July 15, 2011

Positvity!

After reaching out to people in my life, I realized that I have some healthy friends after all. I've decided to start focusing on the positive friendships I have and putting more energy towards them. I'm not going to cut off my longtime girlfriends, but if we grow apart naturally I'm okay with that. I'll take it day by day and go from there. My first goal is that when negativity inches in, I'm going to brush it aside and change the subject to something positive. Hopefully that will help me and my friends.

I have 2 birthday parties to attend this weekend. One is for my nephew who is turning 2 and the other is my friend's kid who is turning 3. I will stay as long as I feel comfortable and leave when any behavior that is unfavorable starts around The Baby. It is going to be a great weekend and I'm going to enjoy it with The Baby and The Man!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Benign!!!

SO, last week I had a colonoscopy to remove a very large polyp that needed to be removed. My doctor called me today to tell me that the polyp was benign and I'm in the clear. I am so incredibly relieved!! Going through this whole ordeal has motivated me to continue on my track of good health and make more efforts to eliminate my occasional slip ups. My down fall is when I don't feel like cooking and we end up eating pizza or fast food. We are getting better, but I need to make it a point to keep on track because I don't want to have anymore scares like this one. The better I am, the better I will be and the better I will feel. :)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Friendship Continued

I'm still working on the whole friendship factor these days. I have a really hard time with being able to distinguish what a friend should or shouldn't be and that there are different types of relationships between friends. I grew up with my mom having a lot of really close girlfriends. I grew up having a lot of girlfriends that didn't always treat me the way I treated them. I am told that I'm a very nice person. Certain types of people have seen that in me and taken advantage of me because of it. I often have a lot of girlfriends where I'm their only friend and no matter how much I try to bring them closer to my other friends, it doesn't work. They never quite see in the other people what I see in them and often times don't like each other. Maybe because I always seem to see the good in people instead of focusing on the bad or their flaws. Although, it seems that lately the flaws are taking over the good and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. I am most definitely pulling away from a lot of the relationships I've held onto over the years. My friends almost always have some type of major issue (as most people do). The thing with them and their issues is that they have no desire to better themselves, yet constantly complain about the issues that have landed them where they are. It's hard to want to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Even though I can see what they need to do and how they need to go about doing it, I can not convince them to do those things.
Okay, so I've come to realize that and don't want to just write them off because we are at different places in our lives, but it makes it hard for me to be close like we once were. So, I guess my lesson here is to learn how to love from a distance. Distance myself emotionally from the hurt that these people have and love them for who they are deep down. Most of my friends grew up in very toxic environments and therefore that's what they are drawn to and immerse themselves in. I don't want to be part of that toxic environment anymore. It's not comfortable for me. I feel out of place. And I don't want my daughter to be exposed to it. I know I can not shelter her from everything, but I do not want to submerse her to these environments for her to grow up and think that this is how she should behave or these are the types of environments that are comfortable for her.

I overheard a couple of women talking on my BART ride home yesterday and I could not stop shaking my head. One of the women was talking about her friends and some guys there were hanging out with her. At one point she said "it was the first time I got shot at". Then she went on to talk about how her ex boyfriend was in jail for shooting a police officer.....like it was nothing. Like something like that is cool and because of that she would be accepted into her group of friends. I used to hang around people like that.

On another note, I think I need to realize that being friends with someone doesn't mean we have to be in constant contact with one another and see each other on a regular basis. If we can go months without talking and can pick up like it's nothing, I think that's okay too. I guess I'm just still trying to figure it all out. I'm hoping that if I put all this out in the universe healthier relationships will find their way to me. Healthier people even. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of issues that I've dealt with over the years. The difference is that I've dealt with them. I saw a therapist from 6 - 18. I learned how to deal with my issues and I've discussed them with the people that were involved. And most importantly, I've forgiven my trespasses and those who have trespassed against me. I know that I am not perfect and no one else is either. It's how how we deal with our imperfections and treat those around us that makes a difference.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Feeling Great

I am feeling great today! I had a really nice weekend and was able to spend some quality time with The Man. I made all kinds of yummy food for The Baby yesterday and replenished the freezer with her favorite pureed and finger foods. I spent some time with the in-laws and was very happy that I decided to drive myself so that I could bow out when I felt it was needed for ME. I uploaded all of The Baby's most recent pictures and videos to all of the necessary places. I'm feeling accomplished and positive today. :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Change is a Comin

For this first time in a long time I feel confident in myself and how I feel about my interests. I went to The Sister-In-Laws' house on the 4th and stuck up for myself with her and her friends for the first time ever. It felt so good to not worry about how what I wanted to do affected her/them. I didn't eat any sweets!! Even though one party goer insisted it was necessary because she made them. Score #1! And when I was ready to leave, I did. I was tired of hanging out with everyone and wanted to go home, so I did. Score #2! It was amazing. That feeling of doing something for me that was positive. I was given a hard time and questioned over and over why I felt the need to leave the party before dinner and told why I should stay, and I yet I stood my ground, did what was best for me, and was on my way. Mind you I was at said party for 6.5 hours and was the first person there.

I finally feel like it's okay to be me regardless of what other people think.

I even told some of my in-law family members about my new found goal, education wise, and got an amazing reaction. I also told them how I want to expose The Baby to a different class of socializing and was also met with an amazing reaction. I so wish I could hang out with these in-laws more often. Although we have different beliefs on one level, on another we are so on the same page and I love it!

Life is good. I feel positive about my direction in life for the first time in a long time, if not ever. The Man is also on page with how I'm feeling and my actions of late and that is very reassuring. To know that I have a partner that supports me on my path is just amazing.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Baby

The Baby is 11 months old today. It is a bitter sweet time for me, knowing that she will be 1 year old in 4 weeks. On one hand I'm very excited to meet this amazing milestone and on the other I'm filled with sadness that my baby is turning into a big girl. I know this is what they are supposed to do and it's a great thing, but that sweetness of babyness is so precious and I know it will never be the same again. At night when I hold her in my arms while she drinks her bottle and drifts into a sleep mode, I feel this amazing bond. I look at her sweet little face and adorable little hands and think to myself how amazing it is that the love The Man and I share created this wonderful little creature. She is perfect in every way. The way her hair falls in her face and she glances up at me to make sure I'm looking at her and our eyes lock, while her tiny little hands grasp her bottle as she suckles it in and as she gets sleepier and sleepier she needs more and more help holding her bottle up......it's all just so perfect. I am trying my best to soak in every single moment of her babyness, for I know it will soon fade away and she will be a big girl who drinks from a sippy cup and doesn't need her mommy to rock her into sleepiness anymore.

I take a ton of pictures, but they never seem to really capture the feeling of the particular moment and some moments I just can't capture. Maybe being able to write them down now will help me remember them when she is all grown up, the sweet little angel that she is now.

So for the next 4 weeks my goal is spend as much time with her as possible and to soak in every single baby moment possible. :)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Friendship

I long for healthy female relationships. My current best friend doesn't know that I've started a blog and don't know if I want to tell her. What does this mean?

I know what it means. It means that what I feel and think inside would most likely hurt her feelings and that is something that I hate doing....hurting someones feelings.

So now, I feel I need to evaluate that connection and look at what it really is. I've been friends with this person for about 12 years....that's a long time at my age. I call her my best friend because out of my 2 friends that have, that I've kept in touch with through the years, I keep in contact with her the most. When I got pregnant with The Baby, I went through a phase where I cut out a LOT of people that were in my life at that point. I evaluated each person, what they brought to the table, their behaviour and whether or not I wanted my child exposed to them. That left me with my 2 friends (excluding family friends, who are in essence family).

Here's some background. The Man and I used to party...A LOT. Therefore so did the company we kept. When I say party, I mean PARTY. It was every weekend and sometimes during the week and not just drinking, EVERYTHING. 3 1/2 years ago we quit all of the hard stuff (drugs). Along with that transition, we lost a few "friends". Some tried to stick around and would every so ofter temp us with naughtiness, but we prevailed and have been clean regardless. The less we partied, the less people came around. We were at that point drinking occasionally, so those people would still come around to partake. I soon realized that I no longer enjoyed the company of my friends and most of the time they got on my nerves and I didn't want their behaviour around me. Then I got pregnant. All drinking ceased and any type of annoying behaviours was not allowed to even come close to me. For the first time in my life I had zero patience and zero tolerance for stupidity. I realized that my friendships were really not friendships, they were, well don't know what to call them, but they were not friendships. One person would go talk to another person and say that I said this and I said that and create all kinds of drama between my family, their friends and me. That person is no longer in my life because I just don't want that type of energy in my space. I was 30 at that point and something had clicked. All the drama and bs was not longer tolerable and I wanted nothing to do with it. After that connection was let go, it was much easier to let go more and more of them from there. It was time to think about my unborn child and the life I wanted for her.

So here I am, 1 year later. I want friendships...real friendships. I want to share my goals and dreams with the people that are close to me and not have to worry about them laughing at me or thinking I'm weird or offending them in any way. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think and I'm working on that. For now I just want support and I don't feel like I get that from my close friends that I've kept in touch with. I have been reaching out to old friends that I lost touch with through the years and testing the waters to see if they are in a similar space as me. It seems like there are a few out there, but after all I've been through, I find it hard to really let myself go and trust. Maybe because I've been too lose with my trust over the years and trusted everyone, including people I shouldn't have. So now I'm at the other extreme where I'm afraid to trust and afraid to get hurt.

I long for acceptance, but hate that I do. I want to be confident in myself, my beliefs, my interests and not care if other people feel the same way. Well maybe not care is the wrong way to word that. I want to not worry about what other people think. I would really like to be able to say this is me, take it or leave it and be okay if they decide to leave it.

For so long, I've tried to act like other people to fit in with them. Now I want to act like me and feel like I fit into myself and my surroundings.

For example: I went to my best friend's kid's birthday party with The Baby. It was okay, I knew people there, but just didn't feel comfortable if I wasn't next to my friends side the whole time.
I need to stop worrying about how it's going to effect everyone else and start worrying about how it's going to effect me. Once I can find confidence in myself, then maybe I can start being concerned with the way it effects everyone else. Right now I think I need to focus on making myself healthy in every possible way. Then maybe when that time comes, the healthy people and relationships will fall into place naturally. Or so I hope....

Dance Party

The Baby and I had a dance party last night. She LOVED dancing with mommy.......for about 1 song. The rest of the time it was me dancing in front of her while she tried desperately to turn the volume up and play with the knobs on the receiver. She would occasionally shake her little booty to the beat when she felt the need to, which I think is the most adorable thing ever of course! Mean while, the dog was running around dropping his toy at my feet thinking that it was play time since I was jumping around. The best part about our fabulous dance party is that we were all in our PJ's! I think that if you're going to have a dance party that is the only outfit to wear. Our play list for the evening included 2 Cd's...Michael Jackson History and Tower of Power Greatest Hits. By the time Tower of Power was loaded, The Baby was rubbing her eyes and getting tired, so we only dance to a couple of songs and left the CD on for background music during her bath.

I felt so incredibly good after dancing with my loves that I think I will make it a weekly thing, if not more. I want The Baby to see that I can enjoy myself and unwind in ways other than watching TV or eating. We have a very limited time together after dinner and before bed and I want to make the most of it. I used to have her hang out with me in the kitchen while I cleaned up our mess from dinner, but lately I've decided to leave the clean up for after she goes to bed.

Being a full-time working, commuting mom means that I don't have much time with the loves of my life and I want to do my best to optimize the time we do have together. Now that The Baby is getting older and has a new sitter throughout the day I've realized that I need to really focus on playing with her and working on teaching her things. I'm pretty sure her new sitter doesn't take the time to teach things like colors and shapes and almost certain he doesn't read to her. She is a little sponge these days and repeating more and more things (or at least trying to) and I want to make sure she's getting the right influence. I don't want her to grow up thinking that mommies only cook, clean and talk. I want her to think mommies are fun and like to spend quality time with babies. We read at least 3 books every night before bed and now I've decided that we will play with her toys for the time in between dinner and bed. Even if it's only for 15 minutes.

Lately The Baby has been crying when I say good bye to her in the morning or when she can tell I'm getting ready to leave. This just breaks my heart!! Part of me worries that it's the new sitter, but the other part of me knows that this is because she is getting older and realizes that mommy is going to leave. Either way it brings up my mommy guilt and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with that yet. I remind myself that me leaving for work is a good thing and puts a roof over her head, but it sure is hard to leave that adorable little face in the morning, especially when it is tear stained and has the I want my mommy look on it. I don't know if it ever gets easier, but I sure it does.

That being said, it's Thursday and I have a 3 day weekend ahead of me! I'm very excited for the extra time with The Baby and hope that I might even get to spend some quality time with The Man. I won't get my hopes up, but it sure will be nice if it happens. :)