So Many Mixed Emotions...

Disclaimer - This post has some sad stuff in it.

The Baby's 1st birthday party is right around the corner. I was really stressed about it earlier in the week, but now I'm going with it will be fine and if everything doesn't get done it's not the end of the world. I still have numerous thoughts floating through my head all day though. Going over what I still need to get and what needs to be done. I wish I had an off switch sometimes.


On another note, my grandfather is very ill. He has had congestive heart failure for almost 2 years now and it seems that he's feeling like he's at the end of it. He's in a lot of pain and has a hard time leaving his bed. Because of his poor health he will not be able to make it to The Baby's party. I've decided to go visit him on her actual birthday, so that he can spend some quality time with her and I can spend some quality time with him. I've been very close to my grandfather my whole life and love him so much. It's really hard to think that he's not going to be in my life (physically) much longer. I want to tell him that I don't want him to suffer. I want to tell him that it's okay if he needs to let go to end his suffering. Part of me worries that this will come across as me wanting him to die, which is not what I want for me, it's more what I want for him. If this is the only way for him to not suffer anymore, then so be it. It is extremely hard for me to think about this, let alone saying the words out loud. I'm working it through in my head and trusting that my heart will lead me to saying the right words when the time comes. I don't do so well when it comes to death. It is one of the hardest of life's events for me to witness and go through. I know it's part of the circle of life, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things for me. It's hard to watch someone die. I've gone through it with 2 of The Man's grandparents and one of my own. It never gets easier for me. I guess it's all part of the healing process and going through the steps of grief. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. And, the anticipation of it happening is almost just as hard for me.

I really just wish I had an off switch these days. To stop worrying about what might be or what could be and just roll with life as it happens. Easier said then done......