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Thursday, July 28, 2011

So Many Mixed Emotions...

Disclaimer - This post has some sad stuff in it.

The Baby's 1st birthday party is right around the corner. I was really stressed about it earlier in the week, but now I'm going with it will be fine and if everything doesn't get done it's not the end of the world. I still have numerous thoughts floating through my head all day though. Going over what I still need to get and what needs to be done. I wish I had an off switch sometimes.

On another note, my grandfather is very ill. He has had congestive heart failure for almost 2 years now and it seems that he's feeling like he's at the end of it. He's in a lot of pain and has a hard time leaving his bed. Because of his poor health he will not be able to make it to The Baby's party. I've decided to go visit him on her actual birthday, so that he can spend some quality time with her and I can spend some quality time with him. I've been very close to my grandfather my whole life and love him so much. It's really hard to think that he's not going to be in my life (physically) much longer. I want to tell him that I don't want him to suffer. I want to tell him that it's okay if he needs to let go to end his suffering. Part of me worries that this will come across as me wanting him to die, which is not what I want for me, it's more what I want for him. If this is the only way for him to not suffer anymore, then so be it. It is extremely hard for me to think about this, let alone saying the words out loud. I'm working it through in my head and trusting that my heart will lead me to saying the right words when the time comes. I don't do so well when it comes to death. It is one of the hardest of life's events for me to witness and go through. I know it's part of the circle of life, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things for me. It's hard to watch someone die. I've gone through it with 2 of The Man's grandparents and one of my own. It never gets easier for me. I guess it's all part of the healing process and going through the steps of grief. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. And, the anticipation of it happening is almost just as hard for me.

I really just wish I had an off switch these days. To stop worrying about what might be or what could be and just roll with life as it happens. Easier said then done......

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I just realized today how great it feels to have my body back. Not necessarily my shape and size that I want to be, but that it's all mine again. I stopped pumping for The Baby 4 weeks ago. I didn't realize how much of my body was being used for her. It's like we were still sharing even though she was no longer inside of me. I was careful about what I ate and drank and made sure not to loose more than 2 pounds a week for fear of contaminating her milk with toxins. Since I stopped pumping, I've started to eat less, walk more, take the stairs and do ab and weight work outs. I didn't realize until today that the thing that was holding me back was pumping. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that I did it and will do it again for my next child, but it definitely restricts me from doing whatever I want when I want. I would have to set time aside to actually pump and throughout the day my breasts would get full and uncomfortable, which made me not want to do physical activity at all (other than walking). As I'm typing this I realize that it hasn't just been the pumping that's taken away from my freedom, but also the whole part of being pregnant before that. So, technically I haven't had my body to myself for 21 months. That's a long time!! No wonder it feels so good now!

I am really feeling good these days. Taking care of myself and getting my health on track is making me feel great. Now I just I have to be patient and let the weight loss happen naturally.

Freedom really does feel nice!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Baby is Turning Into a Big Girl

I'm getting better with the fact that The Baby is growing and turning into a big girl. Some days are still harder than others, but today is a good day. She has gone to bed without her binky for 4 out of the last 5 nights, so she's officially done with her baby binky. It was so much easier than I thought it would be for her. I did give it to her one night, but she had a really rough day with barely any sleep and I just couldn't handle the crying anymore. I felt so bad for her that I needed to give her whatever would help her. That was Sunday night. Since then, it's been smooth sailing with her going to sleep without it. She is also transitioning to big girl milk (cow's milk) as of yesterday. She seems to be doing great with this also. She's been sucking down her bottles better than before. Granted, I started by mixing breast milk and big girl milk together, but I think she'll be just fine with it. I'll gradually started to make the mix with less and less breast milk until my freezer is empty. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks, she'll be drinking strictly big girl milk.

On top of those exciting big girl moments, The Baby is standing unassisted more and more and I've been able to get her to take a step or two without holding onto anything. When she realizes she's not holding on, she quickly reaches out for something or falls to her but to crawl. I think these things are way more exciting to me than her. When I tell her good job or good girl, she looks at me like what's the big deal mom.

The Baby is also trying to say more and more words. We get the occasional thank you (used at the right time), dada, momma, Roscoe (pronounced Ra Ro or Raco), hi, and yeah. She also does a lot of babbling, but some words are getting clearer and being used in the right context. She can also wave now. She even paired a wave with a hi the other day. The Man was the one that got to witness that first, so that's pretty awesome for him. He doesn't get many firsts since he's so busy with everything he's doing.

So yeah, The Baby is slowly but surely turning into a big girl and will be there before I know it I'm sure. I'm continuing to play with her as much as possible, take lots of pictures and videos and savor every baby moment that comes along. I'm getting better with the fact that she won't be a baby for much longer. Sometimes it still makes me tear up, but for the most part it makes me smile. To see this amazing little person turn into who she is and watch her learn what the world around her is all about is a precious gift that I am so blessed to have. She is my little angel face and I adore her!

Monday, July 18, 2011


I am so determined to be healthy and loose all of my extra weight! Last week I decided that it was time to do something different. Doing what I've been doing has gotten me this far, but I seemed to have stalled and I'm not happy with where I'm at, so I need to keep going. I decided to add in some weights and abs routines. I'll do 15 minutes of weights 3 times a week and 8 minutes of abs 3 times a week. I have also decided to count calories again. I'm not sure if I'll stick to this part or not. Last time I went on the counting calorie track and I became majorly obsessed about food. Maybe I'll just get an idea of the calorie content for what I already eat and go from there. I don't know, we'll see, but for now I'm keeping an open mind and a positive attitude about it all.

I've been feeling pretty good for the most part lately. A lot of my clothes are too big now, but my old clothes are still too small. It's that in between phase, which is harder some days than others. THEN, it happened.....someone posted a picture of me on Facebook from the party I went to yesterday. Not good. I told The Man, I swear that's not what I see when I look in the mirror and that's definitely not how I feel. SO, it's time to kick it into high gear and make my body match me. I don't want to be skinny, or a certain weight (well yes, I guess I do want to be a certain weight), I just want to feel comfortable and look at a picture of myself and see myself.

The important part is that I'm NOT going to beat myself up about it. I'm going to keep my nose to the grind and do what I need to do. I'm going to set reasonable goals that I can follow and keep to a schedule to make it easier on myself. Maybe once I start to see some progress I can re-evaluate what I need to do, but for now I'm hoping these small changes will make a big difference. I'm tired of being obese. I'll even settle for overweight. I just want to feel comfortable in myself and be able to wear what's in my closet (minus the prego/nursing clothes).

I am determined to do what I need to do for me and set a good example for my daughter at the same time. :)

Friday, July 15, 2011


After reaching out to people in my life, I realized that I have some healthy friends after all. I've decided to start focusing on the positive friendships I have and putting more energy towards them. I'm not going to cut off my longtime girlfriends, but if we grow apart naturally I'm okay with that. I'll take it day by day and go from there. My first goal is that when negativity inches in, I'm going to brush it aside and change the subject to something positive. Hopefully that will help me and my friends.

I have 2 birthday parties to attend this weekend. One is for my nephew who is turning 2 and the other is my friend's kid who is turning 3. I will stay as long as I feel comfortable and leave when any behavior that is unfavorable starts around The Baby. It is going to be a great weekend and I'm going to enjoy it with The Baby and The Man!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


SO, last week I had a colonoscopy to remove a very large polyp that needed to be removed. My doctor called me today to tell me that the polyp was benign and I'm in the clear. I am so incredibly relieved!! Going through this whole ordeal has motivated me to continue on my track of good health and make more efforts to eliminate my occasional slip ups. My down fall is when I don't feel like cooking and we end up eating pizza or fast food. We are getting better, but I need to make it a point to keep on track because I don't want to have anymore scares like this one. The better I am, the better I will be and the better I will feel. :)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Friendship Continued

I'm still working on the whole friendship factor these days. I have a really hard time with being able to distinguish what a friend should or shouldn't be and that there are different types of relationships between friends. I grew up with my mom having a lot of really close girlfriends. I grew up having a lot of girlfriends that didn't always treat me the way I treated them. I am told that I'm a very nice person. Certain types of people have seen that in me and taken advantage of me because of it. I often have a lot of girlfriends where I'm their only friend and no matter how much I try to bring them closer to my other friends, it doesn't work. They never quite see in the other people what I see in them and often times don't like each other. Maybe because I always seem to see the good in people instead of focusing on the bad or their flaws. Although, it seems that lately the flaws are taking over the good and I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. I am most definitely pulling away from a lot of the relationships I've held onto over the years. My friends almost always have some type of major issue (as most people do). The thing with them and their issues is that they have no desire to better themselves, yet constantly complain about the issues that have landed them where they are. It's hard to want to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Even though I can see what they need to do and how they need to go about doing it, I can not convince them to do those things.
Okay, so I've come to realize that and don't want to just write them off because we are at different places in our lives, but it makes it hard for me to be close like we once were. So, I guess my lesson here is to learn how to love from a distance. Distance myself emotionally from the hurt that these people have and love them for who they are deep down. Most of my friends grew up in very toxic environments and therefore that's what they are drawn to and immerse themselves in. I don't want to be part of that toxic environment anymore. It's not comfortable for me. I feel out of place. And I don't want my daughter to be exposed to it. I know I can not shelter her from everything, but I do not want to submerse her to these environments for her to grow up and think that this is how she should behave or these are the types of environments that are comfortable for her.

I overheard a couple of women talking on my BART ride home yesterday and I could not stop shaking my head. One of the women was talking about her friends and some guys there were hanging out with her. At one point she said "it was the first time I got shot at". Then she went on to talk about how her ex boyfriend was in jail for shooting a police officer.....like it was nothing. Like something like that is cool and because of that she would be accepted into her group of friends. I used to hang around people like that.

On another note, I think I need to realize that being friends with someone doesn't mean we have to be in constant contact with one another and see each other on a regular basis. If we can go months without talking and can pick up like it's nothing, I think that's okay too. I guess I'm just still trying to figure it all out. I'm hoping that if I put all this out in the universe healthier relationships will find their way to me. Healthier people even. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of issues that I've dealt with over the years. The difference is that I've dealt with them. I saw a therapist from 6 - 18. I learned how to deal with my issues and I've discussed them with the people that were involved. And most importantly, I've forgiven my trespasses and those who have trespassed against me. I know that I am not perfect and no one else is either. It's how how we deal with our imperfections and treat those around us that makes a difference.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Feeling Great

I am feeling great today! I had a really nice weekend and was able to spend some quality time with The Man. I made all kinds of yummy food for The Baby yesterday and replenished the freezer with her favorite pureed and finger foods. I spent some time with the in-laws and was very happy that I decided to drive myself so that I could bow out when I felt it was needed for ME. I uploaded all of The Baby's most recent pictures and videos to all of the necessary places. I'm feeling accomplished and positive today. :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Change is a Comin

For this first time in a long time I feel confident in myself and how I feel about my interests. I went to The Sister-In-Laws' house on the 4th and stuck up for myself with her and her friends for the first time ever. It felt so good to not worry about how what I wanted to do affected her/them. I didn't eat any sweets!! Even though one party goer insisted it was necessary because she made them. Score #1! And when I was ready to leave, I did. I was tired of hanging out with everyone and wanted to go home, so I did. Score #2! It was amazing. That feeling of doing something for me that was positive. I was given a hard time and questioned over and over why I felt the need to leave the party before dinner and told why I should stay, and I yet I stood my ground, did what was best for me, and was on my way. Mind you I was at said party for 6.5 hours and was the first person there.

I finally feel like it's okay to be me regardless of what other people think.

I even told some of my in-law family members about my new found goal, education wise, and got an amazing reaction. I also told them how I want to expose The Baby to a different class of socializing and was also met with an amazing reaction. I so wish I could hang out with these in-laws more often. Although we have different beliefs on one level, on another we are so on the same page and I love it!

Life is good. I feel positive about my direction in life for the first time in a long time, if not ever. The Man is also on page with how I'm feeling and my actions of late and that is very reassuring. To know that I have a partner that supports me on my path is just amazing.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Baby

The Baby is 11 months old today. It is a bitter sweet time for me, knowing that she will be 1 year old in 4 weeks. On one hand I'm very excited to meet this amazing milestone and on the other I'm filled with sadness that my baby is turning into a big girl. I know this is what they are supposed to do and it's a great thing, but that sweetness of babyness is so precious and I know it will never be the same again. At night when I hold her in my arms while she drinks her bottle and drifts into a sleep mode, I feel this amazing bond. I look at her sweet little face and adorable little hands and think to myself how amazing it is that the love The Man and I share created this wonderful little creature. She is perfect in every way. The way her hair falls in her face and she glances up at me to make sure I'm looking at her and our eyes lock, while her tiny little hands grasp her bottle as she suckles it in and as she gets sleepier and sleepier she needs more and more help holding her bottle up......it's all just so perfect. I am trying my best to soak in every single moment of her babyness, for I know it will soon fade away and she will be a big girl who drinks from a sippy cup and doesn't need her mommy to rock her into sleepiness anymore.

I take a ton of pictures, but they never seem to really capture the feeling of the particular moment and some moments I just can't capture. Maybe being able to write them down now will help me remember them when she is all grown up, the sweet little angel that she is now.

So for the next 4 weeks my goal is spend as much time with her as possible and to soak in every single baby moment possible. :)