Trial and Error

And just like that it all falls down...

When I decided to share my blog with the world, I didn't take into account how it would effect ALL of the people who are close to me, especially my family.  My thoughts about friendship a few months ago proved to test friendships when I let them how I was feeling at that time.  I knew it would effect my relationships with my friends, but I didn't think it would effect the relationships of the people around me with their friends.  Live and learn.  I clearly came across wrong and I am sorry for hurting anyone along the way.  That was never my intention.  This blog was supposed to be a tool for me to figure out where I want to go in life.  Not where The Man is or wants to go and not where anyone else in my life is or wants to go, just me.  I needed to reflect on the situations I was in, to see how they made me feel about my life.  I don't think I'm better than anyone, nor do I think negatively about anyone and where they are in their lives.  I just know that I want to be better than I am now, or where I've been, for my well being and The Baby's well being.  Apparently I'm having a hard time making that clear without people thinking I'm putting them down or judging them.  I'm not judging anyone, just myself.  I want to be a better person.  I think we all grow at different speeds and at different times.  This has been my time for growth.

I've learned some valuable lessons: Sometimes it's not always beneficial to be honest about every little thing.  It should be, but it's not.  And no matter how much love and positive feelings and words you say after the fact, it can not rectify the initial negative words or feelings that were felt.

I feel like The Baby, learning to walk.  I'm trying things different in life and sometimes it works out and sometimes I fall down.  I seem to have fallen down this time.  Yes, I do wear my heart on my sleeve.  Yes, I do say things that come across completely wrong when I have all of the best intentions in the world.  I am not perfect and am still working on myself.  Life is what we make of it.  We're either going to be happy or miserable.  It's all about our perspective and what energy we do and don't allow into our space.  I am responsible for the energy I bring to other's as well as myself.

I think I need to let this venue go for now.  I might be back, we'll see.  For now I think it's best to take a break.

May you be well, maybe you be happy, may you be free from suffering.

Love and Happiness

I love how The Man will randomly call me to see if I'm listening to the same music station he is, to tell me that he really liked the mix they just did.  I love how we both listen to the same iTunes channel at work during the day.  I love that we both have the same passion for music.  I love how music makes us feel when we're having a bad day.  I love that The Baby is starting to have the same reaction to music that we have.  This love of music really makes me happy!

Happy Friday and 3 day weekend!!  Friday's are always awesome because I know that I don't have to wake up the next morning at 5 am (hopefully).  Even better is when it precedes a 3 day weekend. 

I'm going to visit my grandparents tomorrow, then I'll have my massage in the evening.  I'm really looking forward to both!  I can't wait for my grandparents to see that The Baby is walking.  It really is great seeing the happiness on their faces when we get to spend time together.  I'll be going with my dad also, so it will be nice to spend some time with him too.

On Sunday we're going out to dinner with my in-law's to celebrate The Man's 30th birthday.  I'm really looking forward to this too.  The restaurant is in Downtown Sacramento, which I haven't been to in years.  I think it will be fun to walk around and see what The Baby thinks of everything.

Then Monday, we're going to do absolutely nothing.  Well maybe not nothing, but we won't be going anywhere, that's for sure.  We have a day dedicated to relaxing and spending time together as a family.  We don't get to do this very often, so it will be really nice for a change.

All in all I'm very happy today.  I feel good about all of the connections I'm nurturing and feeling comfortable sharing myself with more and more people.  I've sent my blog to a lot of people now.  There are very few people that I haven't invited.  It's nice to feel comfortable enough within myself to not have to hide myself.

I'm all love and happiness today!! :)

13 Months Old

My orignal title for this post was "Happy Friday and 3 Day Weekend!" and then I remembered that it's Thursday, oops!  hahaha. I got a little ahead of myself.  Wishful thinking I guess.

The Baby is 13 months old today.  August always go by way too fast for me, but this time it by especially fast. 

It's amazing how much can happen in one month!  The Baby is walking, almost running, which she hadn't done yet on her birthday.  She is almost all the way done with drinking a bottle.  She could probably be done, but I'm the one that's having a hard time letting go of our bedtime routine where I hold her in my arms in our chair and rock her while she sucks down her bottle.  I just can't seem to let go of that precious moment yet.  I keep telling myself that I have to for her sake and will, when I'm ready.  My goal is to have her totally off of the bottle by the middle of the month...or maybe the end....I don't know, we'll see.

Arya's cousins have started a new school year, so her schedule with her Papa has changed.  She now spend the morning with him, they go pick up her cousins, go back to their house, then Papa brings her back to our house in the afternoon after my sister-in-law get home from work.  I was a little worried about how all this would work out for my FIL, but now that it's started I think it's actually good for him and The Baby.  He walks her to the school in a stroller to pick up the kids at school and has to actually go inside to get them since they are in Kindergarten.  I love that she gets to get out and about, sees people and kids, and gets the experience of a school environment.  And, I love that he's taking a walk every day for himself.  Even if it's a short walk, it's still better than nothing like he did before.  I also love that The Baby gets to spend some alone time with her Papa and still spend time with her cousins.  So all in all, I'm feeling good about what she's doing during the day while I'm at work.

One other thing that The Baby has figured out how to do is open her toy box all by herself!  She is slowly but surely turning into a little girl and although it makes me sad sometimes, for the most part it makes me really happy and proud!  I adore this little soul more than anything in the world and more than I can ever put into words.  It is such a joy to watch her become herself and grow more and more every day.  Happy 13 months to my baby girl!  I can't wait to see what she learns in the month to come.  :)

Confidence

For this first time ever I'm feeling very confident in myself.  Confident of who I am, where I'm going and the energy I'm putting out into the universe.  I find myself not worrying about what I say and who I say it to and what they think about it, more and more.  I'm making a conscious effort to be kind and honest at the same time.  I feel like I know who I am and I like it.  I'm not worried about other people's issues as much as I once was.  Don't get me wrong, I care and I'm compassionate, but I'm not worried.  Not sure if that makes sense or not.  I find myself not judging as much as I used to and accepting people the way they are.  I'm being more relaxed about life all around.  I still have a lot of growing to do, but it feels like I'm getting closer to where I want to be.

I had a nice lunch date with a girlfriend today and I felt so great afterward.  I told The Man that we talked about where we've been in life, where we are now and where we want to be.....stuff that boys don't like to talk about pretty much.  The best thing about that is that he totally agreed.  It made me realize that my female connections are very important and I do need them.  It's good to talk about things, all things.  Women are good at listening to feelings when men just want to fix everything. 

My heart feels full with hope and warmth.  I like feeling this way.  I need to remember to keep my connections open and make dates with my female friends even if it's just for 1 hour here and there.

Life is good!! :)

Forgiveness

It's been a while since I've been on here. I was out of commission all of last week with a migraine. My first and hopefully last. Talk about a wake up call for me to pay better attention to managing and gaging my stress level. I can not go and do all the time like a lot of people in my life. I try, but eventually my body makes me slow down in one way or another, and it's never for just one day. It feels like I was knocked upside my head by the universe saying, HEY, slow down, take care of yourself. I got the message loud and clear and am now on my way to being better about taking care of me. First things first, a massage on Saturday....yes please! :)

On top of my issues last week, my husband's best friend had a mild stroke on Friday (he's 33) and I found out that my uncle has a really bad cancer, and has less than a year to live. As you already know, my grandfather is dying and has started hospice care. Needless to say, things are getting hard in my life. If there's ever a time to start taking better care of myself, it's now. I have a hard enough time with death, but 2 people going down at the same time is going to be very hard! So, it's time to start taking advantage of the time I do have with the loved ones in my life and making it a point to have no regrets.

I had a visit with my Aunt a couple weekends ago. I think I mentioned something about that happening in my last post. I had only seen my aunt once in the past 6 years and that was at my cousin's wedding earlier this year. The reason I had not seen my aunt is so long, is that when my grandmother died there was a falling out between her and my mom. I in turn had resentment towards her for the way the situation was handled and the fact that I got nothing of my grandmother's after she passed....nothing. I was also a drug addict at that time and did my best not to spend time with any family. I was much more interested in partying and hanging out with my friends. Time passed, wounds healed (on my end) and I got clean. I reconnected with my cousin last year and in turn found out that my aunt had no ill will towards me and wanted to reconnect as well....without my mom. It took me some time to be okay with this. My aunt is not known to be the most loving and kind person around. I was afraid of how I was be treated after everything that happened. Then, I saw my aunt at my cousin's wedding and everything was great! She was nice, happy, nice to The Man (which wasn't always the case) and made me feel very comfortable with her. So, all of that being said, our recent visit was very nice. She brought over some healthy, yummy food and we chit chatted for several hours while The Baby played with her toys.

While talking to my aunt I came to understand why she is the way she is....bitchy and cold. She prides herself on being a bitch, her own words, and talks like it's a badge of honor. She really does have a loving heart deep down. I am usually really good at bringing this quality out of people for some reason. The more we talked, the more I realized that she was holding onto a lot of anger. She's angry about the way my uncle treated my grams (he was a drug addict for at least 25 years, in and out of jail, stealing from my grams, so on and so on). She's angry at my uncle for being a drug addict, even though he's been clean and out of jail for 15 years. She's angry that my mom (the oldest of 4 kids) left home when she was 14 (my aunt, not my mom) which left her the next oldest to take care of her 2 younger siblings (my grams grew up in an orphanage and didn't know how to be a mom, no one is perfect). She's angry that her dad was an alcoholic and the last conversation they had before he died was not a conversation, but a fight with a lot of mean things being said. She's angry at my mom for not being available when their grandmother died (it was a REALLY bad time in my mom's life, like REALLY bad). She's angry that my mom couldn't help with my grams when she was dying, in the way that she wanted her to help. And when when my grams died she realized that she had never really grieved all of the deaths prior to hers. It all hit her all at once and broke her. It broke her so bad, she decided to go a grief counselor. She saw the counselor twice and decided she learned all that she needed to know on how to deal with the situation and never went back.

My aunt is 56 years old and has never forgiven anyone in her life for their mistakes or wrong doings. I think that forgiveness is a huge part in someones life. If you can forgive others and especially yourself, for wrong doings, it only helps you in the long run. I see that holding onto all of that anger and resentment for so many years has made her a hard, cold, lonely person. I never, ever want to feel the way the energy that radiates off of her feels.

When I was thinking about typing this post I decided to look at myself and reflect on things that have happened in my life and whether or not I have forgiven people for their trespasses. Yes, I have forgiven my mom for not being a perfect mom all the time. I have forgiven my step dad for the times he was not perfect and for the way he treated others around him at times. I have forgiven my dad for moving across the country when I was 15, not coming to visit me as often as promised and not moving back home until I was 26. I have forgiven my dad for being an alcoholic and not being a perfect parent all the time. I have forgiven my husband for our hard times. And most importantly I have forgiven myself for not being the perfect kid and partner. There are still a couple of things that I have not forgiven myself for, which I want to work on. I haven't forgiven myself for the type of pet owner I was during my partying days. My dog at the time suffered because of my behavior and I still can't forgive myself when I think back to the conditions he lived in at times. I hope to forgive myself for this eventually. I also have not forgive the 2 men who raped me when I was 17. Just can't do it. One ended up in a bad motorcycle accident, which left him mentally disabled and the other became a crack addict. Even though they have both suffered in their lives since they made me suffer in mine, I have not been able to forgive them yet. I want to be able to one day, but just can't do it yet. Hence, I'm not perfect either.

I do however want to make it a priority to forgive people for their imperfections going forward. No one is perfect, we are all just human and doing the best we can with the tools we have.

I don't want to end up a bitter old lady, alone and mad at the world. This I know for a fact!

I want to teach my daughter that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. It's how we deal with those mistakes and learn from them that makes us who we are. I want to teach her to forgive people that hurt her feelings. Most of the time it hurts them to know they've hurt someone else. And most people won't admit to that. I want to teach her to be kind regardless of someone else's position or disposition in life. Inside we are all the same. We all just want to be loved and treated with kindness and respect. The hard part is learning how to deal with those around us who don't have the skills to always behave that way.

So that's it. My deep thoughtful post for this week. I'm hoping to bring some fun joyful stuff to the table next time. :)

Unforgettable Life Events

I'm having a rough day, feeling a little sensitive and decided that I needed to reflect on the week's events to cheer me up. So, here it goes!

The Man turned 30 this week! I found a perfect card for him and wrote him a very special note. Unfortunately he had school, so we didn't get to spend much time together. We did decide to drive in and I left work a little early to ride home with him. It was nice to spend a little time together more than usual on a school day/night.

That night, The Baby started to walk. First she took 3 steps, then 6, then 10 and finally 16. I was overjoyed to say the least! I even got the 3, 6 and 10 steps on video. Thank god I constantly have my camera attached to me when we're playing together, otherwise I would not have been able to share the moment with The Man. As soon The Baby went to bed, I unloaded the camera and left him a note saying he needed to watch the video I left open on the computer. Talk about a fantastic birthday present. The card I picked out for The Baby was good, but I'm pretty sure the walking trumped it. She still prefers to crawl over walking, but she is taking a lot more steps than she ever has and more often. I'm pretty sure by the end of next week she'll be running.

On top of the walking, The Baby finished up the last of my breast milk and switched over to just cow's milk. I've also started supplementing 2 of her bottles with sippy cups. She's still not a big fan of the sippy cup and mostly just chews on it, but I'm hoping when she sees there isn't another option she'll get the hang of it. Luckily she doesn't "have" to have as much milk as she used to, so I'm not to worried about it. Pretty soon I'll take her down to 1 bottle a day and then hopefully by the end of next month (fingers crossed), she'll completely off of the bottle. We'll see how that goes.

Last night I pulled a toy from the bottom of the toy box that The Baby had yet to play with. I thought it was still a little advanced for her, but I figured why not, let's give it a try. It was a remote controlled puppy. You push on the buttons and the puppy walks, barks or wags it's tail. I showed The Baby how it worked once. She had it from there on out. She picks up on things so well, I'm always amazed.

Lots of big things this week! It's amazing how fast kids grow and how fast they pick up on things. The Baby is starting to talk while reading her books. I think that mean she's trying to read them out loud. It's pretty darn cute. I love her language, it's just adorable! I'm trying to get it all recorded, because I'm sure soon enough she will be a really big girl and these little big girl moments will be a thing of the past.

It should be an interesting weekend. My aunt whom I've seen once in the past 6 years is coming over to meet The Baby for the first time and my Godson's birthday party is on Sunday. I'm sure you'll hear all about it on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!! :)

Road Trip

This weekend proved to be as eventful as I knew it would be.

We celebrated the most wonderful grandma in world's 85 years on this earth. She really is one of the most wonderful women I have met in my life time. My grandmother-in-law turned 85, but you would never know it. She is the most active energetic person I know. She still mows her own lawn gardens, bowls several times a week and drives all over the state and country. This woman is a huge inspiration to me and I can only hope to be as healthy as she is at her age. She is amazing!! Not to mention that she helps out everyone she can in so many ways and does it with such grace. I can not say enough good things about this woman. I love her so much and look forward to spending many more birthdays with her.

My MIL asked me to make cioppino for the birthday celebration, which of course I did. It turned out amazing! It's funny how no two batches are ever the same. Everyone always says it's good no matter which batch it is, but I'm my worst critic. Last time I made it, it was okay. This time, just amazing! I don't know what I did different, but I'll have to make sure I do the same thing again next time. For those of you who don't know what cioppino is, it's like a seafood stew. You saute garlic and onions, then thrown in fish, crab, clams, mussels, shrimp and whatever else you like. Then once the everything is cooked, you douse it in marinara sauce and white wine. Then let it simmer for a while and wha la, deliciousness! To top it off I was happy to have the oportunity to help my MIL with food for the party since she always helps me out.

So, that was Saturday.....awesome, fun, fabulous day!

If you remember my post from Friday, you might recall at the very end I mentioned something about having to maybe repo a car over the weekend.

Around Christmas time, we sold a car to some family members. We sold them the car, with some money up front and the promise to pay the rest over the next few months. I'm sure you see where this is going. We were getting money here and there and it was down to just a few hundred left. One of the family members has a history of drug use and being locked up, but had been doing really well for a long and proving to be a solid member of society. Then, things got bad. We stopped getting money and we would hear reports of domestic violence. We were told the car would be dropped off at another family member's house so we could pick it up until it was paid for. That never happened. The couple broke up and one person took the car from the other. We were told conflicting stories as to who was the one that actually paid us the money thus far. We decided that we would get the car and hold it until one or the other paid us the amount owed. We got a phone call Saturday night that the car was in the Sacramento area and ready for us to pick up. In the meantime, the other party said they had the money, so we arranged to meet them half way between Redding and our house.

The Man was tired after our long day on Saturday and said we would just come first thing in the morning on Sunday. We woke up, made a call....no answer. Decided, let's just start on our way so that by the time they call back we'll already be on the road. We called again when we were on the road....no answer. Again when we were almost there....no answer. There were people home at the apartment we were meeting at, so we went in there for a little while to see if they could give us any information and to see if we would get a call back. We were told that they had been there the night before, but left to go meet a friend and never returned. Everyone at the apartment knew we were coming in the morning, so that wasn't a surprise to them. We waited and waited. We then had to tell the other party to turn around because we weren't able to get the vehicle. So there we were, all the way out in Sacramento without the promised car and without the promised money. We called one more time.....no answer. Needless to say, The Man was NOT happy by this point and made that clear in the final message he left. We drove around, got some food, fed the baby and decided to make our way home.

We learned another lesson the hard way. Don't make business deals with addicts regardless of whether or not they are family members. It turns out that the person we were supposed to meet, had decided to party all night instead of meet up with us. The other person is going to in turn call the police and report the vehicle as stolen. This will be the 3rd strike and they will now go back to prison for the last time. Once you get 3 strikes in California, you get 25 years to life. When you're 50 years old, 25 years is most likely life.

Addiction is a powerful thing. It will make people do things that they know are wrong regardless of their situation. It would've been so easy to do the right thing, but that craving for those little white crystals was just too much to overcome. I am so, so, so grateful that I got clean when I did! That white stuff is no joke!

The positive spin on our adventure......we got to spend some quality family time together, which is rare these days. It was nice to be stuck in a car with The Man for 4 hours. We talked about all kinds of things, one of which was our own sobriety. Thank God, we cleaned up our act!! We can't imagine being like these people and subjecting our child to this type of behavior. The daughter of one of the parties is pregnant and about to pop at any minute. Meantime this is how one of her parents is behaving. So sad!

It really was a beautiful day though and it was a nice drive. We saw so awesome clouds too! It looked like God was taking a deep breath. :)





When we got home, The Man took a nap and I did what laundry I could while playing with The Baby. Then, my MIL came over to hang out with The Baby so The Man and I could go out to celebrate his birthday. He will be 30 on Wednesday and since he has class that night, I wanted to do something special with him. I took him out to a nice restaurant for an early dinner and then we went to see the new Harry Potter movie. It was awesome!! He thanked me for making him go out, he said he had a great time. We both agreed that we need to make an effort to have a date night every couple of months. We forgot how nice it was to do things like that.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Although it was a little rocky at times, it was still good. I felt very connected to The Man and The Baby. Life is good! It would be so incredibly boring if we didn't have the ups and downs. I'm trying my best to find the positives in the negatives. Here's to a new week and another year for The Man. These will be the last days of his 20's. Like I told him this morning, he will soon, officially, be a grown up!

Positive thoughts to everyone!! Have a wonderful day! :) xoxoxo